First Published by The American Journal of Poetry
The Almost. Evokes nostalgia and counterfactual thinking. Shortcomings include near-misses and inability to form stable bonds. Sources of incompatibility are varied, highly circumstantial and not always unpleasant.
The Betrayer. Forms strong relationships before
rupturing the
foundations of trust. Causes deep fissures in vital organs that may appear mortal but
almost
always heal.
May incite sudden bouts of rage. Also known as They-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.
The Boomerang. An intriguing specimen displaying a remarkable ability to drift
into and
out of
one’s life depending on prevailing conditions. Elicits a range of responses such as delight, bewilderment, reminiscence and gratitude.
The Curmudgeon. Exhibits a tendency to incessantly complain
irrespective of context. Can be highly volatile, especially when
feeling threatened.
Sometimes found in packs, but often solitary.
The Fizzle. Forms casual or even intense connections that
froth
and fade,
often - but not always - in
quick succession.
The Flake. Unreliable. Capricious conduct chafes and exasperates.
The Ghoster. Underdeveloped; evinces avoidant behavior when faced with situations requiring maturity. Exception: learned behavior by the well-adapted who have
exhausted
all other options.
Triggers a range of responses: healthy acclimation, exhibited by the wise, includes letting go, meditation, reframing; maladaptive reactions comprise obsessive or stalkerish behavior,
one-upmanship and self-deprecating recoil.
The Homebody. An often companionable type whose fatal flaw stems from unwillingness to leave their burrow. Consequences include multiple
missed get-togethers,
frayed relations, and
forgetting.
The Insufferable. One who engages in frequent displays of narcissism, humble-bragging, self-pity or sanctimoniousness. Often prompts headaches, nausea, claustrophobia and habitually leads to hangover and regret.
The Mess-Fest. May present normatively, even successfully, during early development then gradually (though sometimes quickly) implode, often in grandiose fashion, due to
a complex set of environmental circumstances, some tragic, some self-inflicted.
The Mirage. A chimera. Mimics enticing qualities by reflecting
projections of one’s mind, or
inveigles their prey into a deluded stupor. Handle cautiously to
avoid ascribing illusory attributes. Includes subspecies of “The Networker.”
The Networker. Laser focused on cultivating and exploiting “friends” for their own advancement. Natural habitat includes Los Angeles, London, New York,
Silicon Valley and similar regions. Select exemplars perfect the art of
camouflage
and may at first be mistaken for The Real Thing (see “A Taxonomy of Friends to Keep”).
The Snatched. Conflicted species that values friends, yet
severs ties without palpable cause. Particularly prevalent among the
poorly partnered and invertebrate.
The Seasonal. Seldom sinister former friend who once suited a specific season, reason, or now-defunct dimension of one’s disposition.
The Self-Saboteur. A self-inflicted Mess-Fest.
The Whiplasher. Starts out as a stellar match, then
suddenly mutates into an unrecognizable misfit. Also known as false advertising.
The Wildfire. Arsonist who intentionally incinerates former relationships out of spite,
spinelessness, or resentment. Best used when burned bridges don’t suffice.